How not to be my housemate/How not to get an agent
If no one minds, I do have a Real!Live!Life and sometimes we all need a break from writing and querying (at least, waiting for a reply to my reply to that revision email, I know I do.) A lot of what I'm dealing with right now can be applied to writing as well, in the process of writing a book and getting an agent.
Now I'd really like to know what that nice agentperson thought of my revision reply.
(Note to self: Nail chewing, while theraputic, has no nutritional value.)
So, one of my housemates recently vacated and I'm trying to fill her room up. Here's a primer on how to fill this slot:
1. Don't be on crack
Literally, please don't be on crack. Also, please don't wait to tell me about your recent recovery/addiction until you're in my home viewing the room. Don't talk about your probation officer. Don't put on cheap perfume to cover up the fact you've been drinking and scare my cats away.
2. Don't be a single, straight 30-year-old white male
I'm a single, straight woman and I've seen WAY too many episodes of Law & Order: SVU to feel comfortable with THAT scenario.
3. Don't move your significant other into my home on the sly
Because I will notice that shirtless, incommunacative male eating my last yogurt straight from the carton.
4. Don't be this guy:
5. Don't leave bags of garbage in your room and pretend you can't smell that.
I know you can. I think the cats may be dead from it.
Now consider for a moment how this applies to publishing, and how five housemate mistakes translate into five querying/writing mistakes:
1. Don't use common sense and don't research the industry to know what's acceptable.
2. Don't know who reps your genre. Agents love getting random queries addressed to 5 other people.
3. Lie or be furtive about past (POD) publishing mistakes, writing credits or lack thereof.
4. Don't be professional, instead of confessional.
5. Don't polish your work, because agents can't see typos.
I'd be interested to see comments or addendums.
Now I'd really like to know what that nice agentperson thought of my revision reply.
(Note to self: Nail chewing, while theraputic, has no nutritional value.)
So, one of my housemates recently vacated and I'm trying to fill her room up. Here's a primer on how to fill this slot:
1. Don't be on crack
Literally, please don't be on crack. Also, please don't wait to tell me about your recent recovery/addiction until you're in my home viewing the room. Don't talk about your probation officer. Don't put on cheap perfume to cover up the fact you've been drinking and scare my cats away.
2. Don't be a single, straight 30-year-old white male
I'm a single, straight woman and I've seen WAY too many episodes of Law & Order: SVU to feel comfortable with THAT scenario.
3. Don't move your significant other into my home on the sly
Because I will notice that shirtless, incommunacative male eating my last yogurt straight from the carton.
4. Don't be this guy:
Message to Seller:
Still available? Straight male, looking to leave a failed relationship.
I have terrible credit but a great job. I work for the state so I know
I always have a paycheck. Let me know what you think.
5. Don't leave bags of garbage in your room and pretend you can't smell that.
I know you can. I think the cats may be dead from it.
Now consider for a moment how this applies to publishing, and how five housemate mistakes translate into five querying/writing mistakes:
1. Don't use common sense and don't research the industry to know what's acceptable.
2. Don't know who reps your genre. Agents love getting random queries addressed to 5 other people.
3. Lie or be furtive about past (POD) publishing mistakes, writing credits or lack thereof.
4. Don't be professional, instead of confessional.
5. Don't polish your work, because agents can't see typos.
I'd be interested to see comments or addendums.
